"DALE CARNEGIE – HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE"
GOOD FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND BUSINESS ASSOCIATES SHOULD BE HONORED AND NOURSHED USING THE PRINCIPLES TAUGHT BY DALE CARNEGIE AND SUMMARIZED IN THIS WEBPAGE.
Dale was from a poor farming family in Missouri. He had to work on the farm and go to college. He did not have time to participate in groups or sports and practice to excel. He developed an inferiority complex. His mom suggested he join the debating team to gain confidence and recognition. After several attempts to join, he was accepted and the speaking before the groups helped him gain confidence and assurance in his abilities to convince others. He excelled in public speaking. After college, Dale was successful in sales and then in 1912 he started teaching his own public speaking course. He later added human relations principles.
Dale Carnegie realized early on that people wanted to learn to live and work more harmoniously with others. Dale continued to read and research and write on every topic he could find on the subject matter in his growing seminars. In 1936, Simon and Schuster asked him to put all of his material in a book that they published the first edition of, “How to Win Friends and Influence People. Today, Dale Carnegie Courses are taught all over the World.
After their own health, the attendees prime interest was in developing: Practical skills in human relationships – Techniques to get along with and influence other people – How to talk well – How to win people to their way of thinking – To sell themselves and their ideas – How to think on their feet with clarity – How to relax when speaking, with poise – How to be more effective – To express your ideas – Arouse enthusiasm and Lead others.
The courses are based on the assumption that the best way to conquer the fear of public and one-on-one speaking is to seek out opportunities and do it. Practice – Practice – Practice and your Fear will reduce and you will be more effective. His courses include public speaking, salesmanship, human relations, and applied psychology.
The goal is to develop more than the average of 10% of latent mental ability most people use. Studies have concluded that 85% of your financial success depends on your human engineering, personality, and the ability to lead people; and only 15% depends on your technical skills.
FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE - "If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive"
Criticism is futile because it puts others on the defensive and they strive to justify themselves. Criticism wounds a man’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment. We just do not want to accept blame for anything. Criticism just causes the other person to turn on us. Resentments last a long-long time from stinging criticisms. Always remember that people are not logical by nature; they are emotional, bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do. It takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. Great men show their greatness by the way they treat little men. Understanding, sympathy, tolerance, and kindness breeds forgiveness.
THE BIG SECRET OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE
To get anybody to do anything, you must make them want to do it. Their motivation will normally be motivated by sex or the desire: To be important – To be appreciated. Satisfy this need and you hold these people in the palm of your hand. Of course the other basic needs are there, but are generally met in America: Health – Food – Sleep – Money – Things – Heaven – Sexual gratification – Family well-being. This longing for appreciation separates us from animals. Prize-winning animals could care less about blue ribbons, but their owners love them because the feeling they bring of importance. This is why we buy expensive cars, big houses, and private educations. Imagine what we can achieve by having other people's honest appreciation and encouragement. Criticisms kill the ambitions of a man. We need someone to feed our self-esteem. Give honest, sincere appreciation and praise.
Talk about what the other person wants, not what you want. Before you can sell someone something, you must first make them want it. Try to see things from the other person’s point of view. Other people really do not care about your problems; so do not waste your time except as to how you can help them better if they adjust their schedule slightly to your slow time. Assure them that they can continue to do what they do now if they want to. You just want to serve them better.
Grabbing, self-serving people are a dime a dozen. The man who can put himself in his customer’s position and tries to serve others is in an enormous advantage. Look at things from the other person’s point of view, and see things from his angle.
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK, AND ANY OTHER BOOK
- Develop a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people, or master any other book you are reading.
- Read each chapter rapidly, then read it again and highlight or underline important points. Make margin notes to summarize teaching points.
- Summarize the chapter in your permanent notes for that subject. Compare the new knowledge with any prior notes on the subject to avoid duplicate notes.
- Review your notes often and reread the entire book when your feel a need to go deep into the subject matter. The principles will then become habitual and unconscious.
- Apply the principles learned as often as you can in order to master them.
- Ask your wife, children, a friend, or support group to challenge you when you violate one of the principals learned in the book you are trying to master.
- Review your weekly activities at the same time once a week to see: What mistakes you have made – What things you did right – How could you have done better? – What new principles should you incorporate into your life?
- Keep a diary or other reminder of your successes and progress in each area.
SIX WAYS OF MAKING PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND WELCOME YOU ANYWHERE
- Become genuinely interested in other people, and they will be interested in you. Failures occur because we are more interested in ourselves and what we want than we are in other people and their wants. Do things for others that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness. One simple thing you can do is to start a list of all of your friend’s birthdays and send them a note on their birthday or call them.
- Smile, personality, charm will draw people to you. Always greet other people with a warm and genuine smile and, “how are you today”. Have fun in everything you do. Happiness is contagious. Always keep in mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be.
- Remember names because we all love it when people call us by name.
- Find out the complete name, the size of their family, the nature of their business, and their favorite pastime. Then ask about these things the next time you see that person and call them by name.
- Repeat the name during that first conversation.
- Take the time to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in your mind.
- Associate the name with the person’s features, expression, and general appearance.
- Send notes and call people by name. We all love people who remember our names.
- Make people feel important.
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves and their interests. You will be known as a great conversationalist although you spend most of your time listening and being truly interested in others. Critics will soften if you are a patient, sympathetic listener. Great men will be receptive to you if you ask about them and their special hobbies and interests. We all want a sympathetic listener when we are pondering a situation; not necessarily a response. People will shun you if you constantly interrupt them or cut them off when they are talking to you. Encourage others to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
- Talk in terms of the other man’s interests. The road to a person’s heart is to talk to them about the things they treasure most.
- Make the other person feel important, and be sincere. Radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation. Express your honest admiration for the other person’s hobby, interest, or achievement. The desire to feel important and appreciated is the deepest principle in human nature and was also taught by: Zoroaster of Persia three thousand years ago – Confucius in China 24 centuries ago – Buddha in Holy Ganges 500 years before Jesus – Jesus 20 centuries ago in Judea - “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”. Compliment the other person if they look especially nice or have an obvious build that indicates they work out.
TWELVE WAYS OF WINNING PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Even if you are right and win the argument, you will probably make an enemy. Therefore, if the outcome is really not that critical, simply do not tell someone they are wrong. You hurt their pride and make them feel inferior. They will resent your triumph.
- Show respect for the other man’s opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong. Jesus said, “Agree with your adversary quickly”. You strike a direct blow to their intelligence, judgment, pride, self-respect and throw them on the defensive. When you hurt other’s feelings, they will never agree with you. Remember that most of us are prejudiced and biased. We have preconceived notions, jealousies, suspicions, fears, envy and pride. Be gentle and tactful when you are correcting others.
- If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically with enthusiasm. The one who was about to condemn you may even be sympathetic to you. It does no good to argue with a policeman who has you on radar speeding. He may just give you a warning if you are nice and apologize for speeding while you were deep in thought. If you are right, try to win the other person gently and tactfully to your way of thinking.
- Begin in a friendly way. If your fists are clinched then the other person will clinch theirs. Start with what you agree on and move into the areas that you need to discuss differences in. Compliment them in an area that you can. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives should realize that people can’t be forced or driven to agree with you; but they may possibly be led to, if you are gentle and friendly.
- Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. Ask them questions that you know they will agree with and say yes. Then slowly move the conversation to the area you are trying to convince them in.
- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Concentrate on their achievements. Most people are not concerned with your successes; in fact, most people get more satisfaction out of your troubles than out of your triumphs. Be humble and modest about your achievements. After all only a little iodine in your thyroid glands keeps us from being an idiot, so quit bragging.
- Let the other person feel that the idea is his. Engage the person you want to influence and ask them up front what they think is the best way to do something or the best product. Involve your employees in the discussions before you make a change in procedures; so that they think they are part of the solution. Glenda Burson said that I always got my way, but wanted them to think they had gotten their way and something was their idea.
- Try honestly to see the things from the other person’s point of view. Put yourself in their place. You need a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint. You need to anticipate what they will say when you present your viewpoint about a matter.
- Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. We all want sympathy for our ideas. Tell them you completely understand how they feel and you would feel the same way if you were in their shoes.
- Appeal to the nobler motives. Assume that your customer is sincere, honest, truthful, and willing to pay their debts once they have been heard on their complaints. Listen, explain your position and let them decide if they should pay or receive an adjustment, most will be fair when you appeal to their honesty and fair play.
- Dramatize your ideas. Make them vivid, interesting, and dramatic. Use showmanship.
- Throw down a challenge. Stimulate competition. Create a desire to excel.
NINE WAYS TO CHANGE PEOPLE, WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OF AROUSING RESENTMENT
- Begin with praise and honest appreciation. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
- Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Be tactful in your criticism.
- Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Be sure to praise them also, and build them up before you criticize them. I always strive to share many of my silly mistakes with others before I start to criticize them. When I fail to do that, I throw them on the defense.
- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Say, “What do you think of this; not “Do this”. It saves a person’s pride and makes them feel important. They want to cooperate, rather than rebelling.
- Let the other person save face. Don’t just ride roughshod over the feelings of others, finding fault, issuing threats; or criticizing a child or an employee in front of others. Consider the other person’s pride.
- Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approval and lavish in your praise”. Versus condemnation. It will inspire the other person to keep on improving. Positive reinforcement for performance is always better than criticism for failure to perform.
- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Caruso was told he could not sing by his first teacher. His mother assured him he was a great singer and worked to give him lessons. The result is history. Charles Dickerson received many rejections before one publisher praised him and that praise changed his whole career. H.G. Wells was also working in a factory until one teacher encouraged him and he wrote over 77 books. You can transform people with a little praise. People use only a small part of their physical and mental resources.
- Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. Make the thing you want done appear easy to do. People will live up to your praise and expectations of them if you praise their abilities and potential. Praise the things done right and minimize the errors.
- Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Be gracious and appreciation when you have to deny someone something. Give titles and authority to people when you can. We all love our plastic trophies.
LETTERS THAT PRODUCE MIRACULOUS RESULTS
- Tell the reader you need their expertize, knowledge, and help.
- Give sincere appreciation and recognition, but not insincerity or false flattery.
- We all are just overwhelmed with gratitude for sincere flattery.
SEVEN RULES FOR MAKING YOUR HOME LIFE HAPPIER
- Don’t nag. Nagging, complaining, criticism, outbursts of temper, and hysteria are the deadliest devices ever invented by all the devils in hell for destroying love.
- Don’t try to make your partner over. Honor your spouse and their differences from you. Compliment them whenever you can and they will love you.
- Don’t criticize. It is futile and heartbreaking. Encourage your family for the little things they do right.
- Give honest appreciation. Notice your wife’s clothes and cooking. Compliment her often.
- Pay little attentions. Remember birthdays and anniversaries. Do small things for everyone you know.
- Be courteous. Be as friendly to your spouse and family as you are to strangers. Don’t say mean, insulting, wounding things to your family. Flatter your spouse and children.
- Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.
SUGGESTIONS FOR HUSBANDS
- Court your wife with flowers, cards, and other tender touches.
- Never criticize her before others; and be careful in private.
- Allow her to have money she does not have to account for.
- Understand her moods and help her through periods of fatigue, nerves, and irritability.
- Share over half of your recreation hours with her.
- Don’t compare your wife’s cooking or other attributes with your mother's or other women.
- Be interested in her views on politics, books, her hobbies, etc.
- Be open to attention to your wife by other men. Don’t get jealous.
- Praise her and express your admiration for her.
- Show appreciation for all of the little things your wife does for you.
SUGGESTIONS FOR WIVES
- Give your husband complete freedom in his work.
- Make your home interesting and attractive.
- Vary the household menu.
- Be able to discuss your husband’s vocation with him intelligently.
- Accept your husband’s income without comparing him to other men.
- Try to get along with your husband’s family.
- Dress to please your husband.
- Compromise little differences of opinion in the interest of harmony.
- Learn games to share with your husband’s leisure hours.
- Be able to discuss the day’s news, new books, and new ideas.